Heart Break

Heart breaks are not fun. They are never fun. People experience different pains. Some instantly while others take a moment. Regardless the pain will strike and it’s something that you will always remember.

You feel like shit.

You realize you are shit.

Actual shit is better than you.

That is what goes through your mind as the pain engulfs your body. Everything you stood for,  on the ground, squashed like a baby cockroach that got to close for it’s own kind.

It’s sad to say that I’m experiencing this right now..

I have been seeing this girl for a while. We’ve been dating for a while and we both decided to make it official. Things were going well till today. While I was working out at the gym today I get a text from her. I was supposed to meet her at her place tonight for a movie-dinner combo.

Nope. She texted me saying that she has a lot on her plate and that she couldn’t focus on work. This girl was the same girl I spoke about in my previous post. In fact it’s the same girl that didn’t want to be with me in the first place.

Anyway there I was on my way out of the gym, reading her text and feeling dead. At first I was like “Oh okay.” I experienced heart break before, which I’ll make a future post about but shit like this gets me all the time. It’s been a while since I felt like this.

I cried. I’ll admit it, I cried. I didn’t like sob like a baby or anything. I shed a few tears in private. The heart break snowballed into much more. I cried for my pathetic life. Then it hit me. My life is garbage. My life is fucking shit. At the place I work at there are customers who are working in their careers, younger than me!

I’m fucking 25 years old, nothing to show for. It made sense for her to leave. Why be with me? I live a shitty life working a shitty job. I try and try but accomplish nothing. I was fooling myself to think I can live a normal life with this girl. I was dead mistaken.

I am a failure. Her leaving showed me that I don’t deserve happiness. The way I see it is like god gave me a taste of what a normal life was like. God gave me a taste and took the dish away. I feel broken. No matter how hard I try to fix my life it’s not enough. I broke my diet today. I said “fuck it” and ate a fuck ton of carbs and shit. I fought so hard to stay healthy today but I was defeated. The short term pleasure was strong. I needed to feel “happy” right now. I caved and now I feel disgusted.

The question is what am I going to do now? I’m not going to give up, I’ll use today or maybe tomorrow to stray off the path but I’ll go back to it. It’s still March and they’re are others out there. I need to stay positive and learn from this.

 

 

Manprovement March

This whole month of March is going to be a improvement month. It felt like it was just the beginning of February yesterday. What have I accomplished in February? Not much. The one thing that I believe that I have done is improve my physique. I lost about pounds and went up with my lifts. I have also read one book in the whole month. One book! It wasn’t that long either, it was; I Am Legend. I need to stop slacking and get my shit together.

There are so many things that I want to implement in my life right now. However if I were to do to many things it won’t work. I tried in the past and I failed, countless times. So for this month I’m going to do four things.

  1. Read 2 books; 1 Fiction. 1 Self-Help
  2. Draw at least 30 minutes or more everyday.
  3. Meditate 3-5 minutes everyday.
  4. Approach 1 woman or more a day.

That’s it. Nothing to fancy. They say that it takes roughly twenty one days to form a habit. There is thirty days in March, I’d say that is enough time to form a habit.

I’m going to journal my progress here. Depending how busy I am, I will aim to post my progress everyday. It’s going to be tough. Doing things that I’m not use to and trying to mentally force myself to do these things. I want to prove to myself that I can do this and that I can change towards a better, stronger person.

 

 

Living Day to Day

I haven’t been able to update as much since the last post. Work and martial arts have been preoccupying my time. I come home from a long day, tired, hungry and aching to go to bed. What I noticed is that if I get around eight hours of sleep my mood is generally better.

I do have a problem though, It’s really simple. I’m living day by day. What that means is that I’m not working on my goals. By not working on my goals I’m not improving. By not improving I’m going in a circle. By going in circle I’m not changing or shaping the life that I always desired. Everyday feels the same. It felt like I’m reliving the same bullshit over and over. I try to do new things but change is scary. I feel as if I’m being held back from greatness.

There were some changes throughout this week. For example I went to my Muay Thai gym. I’ve been slacking on that, unmotivated to go. I finally went back and worked out on my own. Working on the basics and doing body weight training. That was something great and new.

I’ve been slacking on my goals that I made from January. It’s already the end of February and what have I accomplished? Nothing. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much. The only thing that I can say proudly that I have done was work towards my future physique. Dieting and exercising has been going well and I noticed the change when I look in the mirror. Other than that, nothing. I have to adjust my goals and slowly work on them. The one thing I definitely need to do is  start small and build discipline.

 

 

About:

Welcome. This is a blog where I write my journey into my life as I rebuild it. A quick bio, I’m a 25 year old male, works a dead end job, no college degree, suffered from depression, body image issues, procrastination, the list goes on and on.

The purpose of this blog is journal the progress of my life as I try to fix every last part of it. It is going to be tough, it is going to painful, change is not going to happen overnight. There will be cursing, there will be ranting, there will be positive post and there will be negative post. The point of all this is to change for the better and be the person who I always envisioned myself .