Heart Break

Heart breaks are not fun. They are never fun. People experience different pains. Some instantly while others take a moment. Regardless the pain will strike and it’s something that you will always remember.

You feel like shit.

You realize you are shit.

Actual shit is better than you.

That is what goes through your mind as the pain engulfs your body. Everything you stood for,  on the ground, squashed like a baby cockroach that got to close for it’s own kind.

It’s sad to say that I’m experiencing this right now..

I have been seeing this girl for a while. We’ve been dating for a while and we both decided to make it official. Things were going well till today. While I was working out at the gym today I get a text from her. I was supposed to meet her at her place tonight for a movie-dinner combo.

Nope. She texted me saying that she has a lot on her plate and that she couldn’t focus on work. This girl was the same girl I spoke about in my previous post. In fact it’s the same girl that didn’t want to be with me in the first place.

Anyway there I was on my way out of the gym, reading her text and feeling dead. At first I was like “Oh okay.” I experienced heart break before, which I’ll make a future post about but shit like this gets me all the time. It’s been a while since I felt like this.

I cried. I’ll admit it, I cried. I didn’t like sob like a baby or anything. I shed a few tears in private. The heart break snowballed into much more. I cried for my pathetic life. Then it hit me. My life is garbage. My life is fucking shit. At the place I work at there are customers who are working in their careers, younger than me!

I’m fucking 25 years old, nothing to show for. It made sense for her to leave. Why be with me? I live a shitty life working a shitty job. I try and try but accomplish nothing. I was fooling myself to think I can live a normal life with this girl. I was dead mistaken.

I am a failure. Her leaving showed me that I don’t deserve happiness. The way I see it is like god gave me a taste of what a normal life was like. God gave me a taste and took the dish away. I feel broken. No matter how hard I try to fix my life it’s not enough. I broke my diet today. I said “fuck it” and ate a fuck ton of carbs and shit. I fought so hard to stay healthy today but I was defeated. The short term pleasure was strong. I needed to feel “happy” right now. I caved and now I feel disgusted.

The question is what am I going to do now? I’m not going to give up, I’ll use today or maybe tomorrow to stray off the path but I’ll go back to it. It’s still March and they’re are others out there. I need to stay positive and learn from this.

 

 

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March Goals, Update #1

So far so good for the beginning of March. I have been able to do my goals. The gym today was good. I had a really great workout. It was long but I was able to complete it. Approaching was good today. I didn’t approach my one yesterday but I made it up today by doing eleven.

My goal for approaching today was not to get numbers or anything. It was simply getting myself back into things, getting used to simply going up to women. It wasn’t pretty. Most of the approaches were from the side or walking with them.

This month is building that habit of approaching women, regardless of what happens after. It could be a simple compliment and moving on or small talk. Either way it’s working my way up.

It was really cold today but that didn’t stop me. I want to get good at dealing with women. I don’t want to be like every guy out there, hoping that they meet a women. I’m going to develop that skill where if I see an attractive woman, I’m not hesitating and I know what to say and not being afraid.

Trying When You’re Sick

I felt a lot better today than yesterday, obviously. I slept and woke up in the middle of the night feeling hot and cold. It was rough being in that grey area. I took some Advil and headed off to the gym. I wanted to skip the gym but I forced myself to go. I didn’t do my normal workout routine. I did Chest/Triceps today, I didn’t go heavy but I got a good workout in.

After getting ready I went into the city and try to approach women. My approach anxiety  was getting the best of me. On top of that my voice was cracked and low. I couldn’t speak that well but I tired anyway. So far today was decent. I got a few approaches in but it wasn’t great. Throughout the day I started to feel fatigue and light headed. I ate, drank a ton of vitamin water zero and called it quits.

Overall today wasn’t bad, at least I did a few approaches even though it was bad. I’m slowly getting myself used to going out and meeting women. Approaching and meeting women is hard but if I get good at this it will carry over into my other parts of my life. It’s hard for a reason, if anyone could do it then it wouldn’t be worthwhile.