Fell Off The Wagon.

I fell off the wagon. My will power gave up on me. Spending two months on my diet and changing my life drained my will power.  This morning I didn’t fast and ate a very carb heavy breakfast.

I feel like a piece of shit to be honest. I feel like my heart break from my previous post still getting to me. I wander the streets like a zombie. It’s not the fact that I’m alone it’s the fact that my life is not where I want to be. I honestly don’t want to put in the hard work and the mental stress. I compare myself to others. I see someone already accomplished and I say to myself that I’ll never be at that level.

It sucks having battles like these with your mind. For me there are times where I would triumph against my mind and do the things that would lead me to success and there are times, like today, that I would give in and let my mind sabotage me. A never ending battle.

I feel like there is a other entity in myself, a darkness sort of entity, that it’sole purpose is to see me fail and sabotage my life. This dark entity is the reason that I’m depressed, miserable and under accomplished. It’s tough to fight against this being.

Will power is a weapon that is used to fight off this darkness. Positivity is another thing that can fight this being off. All that sounds good on paper but it’s hard. It’s hard fighting off this being when you’re either hungry, tired or feeling any type of negative emotion.

 

 

 

 

Heart Break

Heart breaks are not fun. They are never fun. People experience different pains. Some instantly while others take a moment. Regardless the pain will strike and it’s something that you will always remember.

You feel like shit.

You realize you are shit.

Actual shit is better than you.

That is what goes through your mind as the pain engulfs your body. Everything you stood for,  on the ground, squashed like a baby cockroach that got to close for it’s own kind.

It’s sad to say that I’m experiencing this right now..

I have been seeing this girl for a while. We’ve been dating for a while and we both decided to make it official. Things were going well till today. While I was working out at the gym today I get a text from her. I was supposed to meet her at her place tonight for a movie-dinner combo.

Nope. She texted me saying that she has a lot on her plate and that she couldn’t focus on work. This girl was the same girl I spoke about in my previous post. In fact it’s the same girl that didn’t want to be with me in the first place.

Anyway there I was on my way out of the gym, reading her text and feeling dead. At first I was like “Oh okay.” I experienced heart break before, which I’ll make a future post about but shit like this gets me all the time. It’s been a while since I felt like this.

I cried. I’ll admit it, I cried. I didn’t like sob like a baby or anything. I shed a few tears in private. The heart break snowballed into much more. I cried for my pathetic life. Then it hit me. My life is garbage. My life is fucking shit. At the place I work at there are customers who are working in their careers, younger than me!

I’m fucking 25 years old, nothing to show for. It made sense for her to leave. Why be with me? I live a shitty life working a shitty job. I try and try but accomplish nothing. I was fooling myself to think I can live a normal life with this girl. I was dead mistaken.

I am a failure. Her leaving showed me that I don’t deserve happiness. The way I see it is like god gave me a taste of what a normal life was like. God gave me a taste and took the dish away. I feel broken. No matter how hard I try to fix my life it’s not enough. I broke my diet today. I said “fuck it” and ate a fuck ton of carbs and shit. I fought so hard to stay healthy today but I was defeated. The short term pleasure was strong. I needed to feel “happy” right now. I caved and now I feel disgusted.

The question is what am I going to do now? I’m not going to give up, I’ll use today or maybe tomorrow to stray off the path but I’ll go back to it. It’s still March and they’re are others out there. I need to stay positive and learn from this.

 

 

March Goals, Update #1

So far so good for the beginning of March. I have been able to do my goals. The gym today was good. I had a really great workout. It was long but I was able to complete it. Approaching was good today. I didn’t approach my one yesterday but I made it up today by doing eleven.

My goal for approaching today was not to get numbers or anything. It was simply getting myself back into things, getting used to simply going up to women. It wasn’t pretty. Most of the approaches were from the side or walking with them.

This month is building that habit of approaching women, regardless of what happens after. It could be a simple compliment and moving on or small talk. Either way it’s working my way up.

It was really cold today but that didn’t stop me. I want to get good at dealing with women. I don’t want to be like every guy out there, hoping that they meet a women. I’m going to develop that skill where if I see an attractive woman, I’m not hesitating and I know what to say and not being afraid.

Living Day to Day

I haven’t been able to update as much since the last post. Work and martial arts have been preoccupying my time. I come home from a long day, tired, hungry and aching to go to bed. What I noticed is that if I get around eight hours of sleep my mood is generally better.

I do have a problem though, It’s really simple. I’m living day by day. What that means is that I’m not working on my goals. By not working on my goals I’m not improving. By not improving I’m going in a circle. By going in circle I’m not changing or shaping the life that I always desired. Everyday feels the same. It felt like I’m reliving the same bullshit over and over. I try to do new things but change is scary. I feel as if I’m being held back from greatness.

There were some changes throughout this week. For example I went to my Muay Thai gym. I’ve been slacking on that, unmotivated to go. I finally went back and worked out on my own. Working on the basics and doing body weight training. That was something great and new.

I’ve been slacking on my goals that I made from January. It’s already the end of February and what have I accomplished? Nothing. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much. The only thing that I can say proudly that I have done was work towards my future physique. Dieting and exercising has been going well and I noticed the change when I look in the mirror. Other than that, nothing. I have to adjust my goals and slowly work on them. The one thing I definitely need to do is  start small and build discipline.

 

 

Mind Fog & Lack Of Motivation.

Have you ever had a day where you couldn’t do anything? You try to be productive but you can’t? I had that day today. A day full of nothing.

I didn’t have work today so after the gym this morning I decided to head to a coffee shop and work for a few good hours. What kind of work you may ask? Reading, writing, drawing and learning about marketing/sales/finance, pretty much anything to help me in my long term career.

I did none of that. I was in the coffee shop, unmotivated. I had the tools to get started but my head wasn’t there. The internet was a huge distraction as I was browsing Reddit and watching mindless YouTube videos. I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to help me in the long term but I couldn’t snap out of it. A wave of fatigue came over me. The americano not doing it’s job. I was totally helpless.

I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do what I intended to do. I felt self conscious with the people around me. I packed my things and left. I didn’t want to go home so quick so I wandered a bit in the city. I told myself to approach five women but I managed to approach one. She didn’t know how to hold a conversation so I just left.

Throughout the train ride home I kept thinking out my life purpose. What am I doing? Everyday felt the same. I felt like I wasn’t changing. I felt like I wasn’t improving. I felt the same. Is this what my life is? Working some dead end job and living with my parents forever? The thought of all that scared me, I know that if I want to change my life and my circumstance then I need to take action. I don’t want to take action. I don’t want to do the hard work. I want everything to come easy. I don’t want to struggle

I feel like I’m in this loop where everything is the same. No matter how hard I try to change things I always end up back on the loop. It’s almost the end of February, what have I done? Nothing. I try to do things but nothing. I need help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trying When You’re Sick

I felt a lot better today than yesterday, obviously. I slept and woke up in the middle of the night feeling hot and cold. It was rough being in that grey area. I took some Advil and headed off to the gym. I wanted to skip the gym but I forced myself to go. I didn’t do my normal workout routine. I did Chest/Triceps today, I didn’t go heavy but I got a good workout in.

After getting ready I went into the city and try to approach women. My approach anxiety  was getting the best of me. On top of that my voice was cracked and low. I couldn’t speak that well but I tired anyway. So far today was decent. I got a few approaches in but it wasn’t great. Throughout the day I started to feel fatigue and light headed. I ate, drank a ton of vitamin water zero and called it quits.

Overall today wasn’t bad, at least I did a few approaches even though it was bad. I’m slowly getting myself used to going out and meeting women. Approaching and meeting women is hard but if I get good at this it will carry over into my other parts of my life. It’s hard for a reason, if anyone could do it then it wouldn’t be worthwhile.

Constant Struggle.

These past few days have been rough. With my diet it hard to have the necessary energy to do the basic things. My discipline is dwindling constantly. Yesterday I hit up the girl I went out with for Valentines day. We were talking and I asked her if that she was available Friday evening for drinks. After a while she sent this long text saying that her performance at work is getting worse and that she needs to get head in the game. Pretty much she didn’t want to see me anymore.

I screamed. This was something I normally didn’t do. I’m kinda used to rejection but this one really, really hit me hard. I honestly truly believed that this girl would be the one where it leads into a relationship. I should have been incredulous with my bad luck with women.

I cursed out God. I looked up in my ceiling and cursed at him, cursed him for making my life the way it was, cursing him for bringing me hardship. I told him to kill me, it was rough. I cried. The emotion snowballed and I poured out. I cursed God for my life.

The next morning I woke up with a painstaking headache. I somehow had a sore throat and I felt really nauseous. Karma and God did what I asked them to do, they punished me. I felt the pain. My head felt like it was about to explode. Every movement felt like the world was spinning. I felt cold. I called out of work. I believe I truly felt God’s wrath.

I got up, ate breakfast, took some Advil  and decided to head into the city. I was walking slower than usually and felt fatigued. I felt better throughout the morning as I went into a coffee shop and worked on a few things. Listening to a very good video about hustling in life. It was very motivating. I got up and tried to approach women. I didn’t approach in the front. I did my usually from the side. Nothing crazy. I was walking around for hours with this headache, trying to get something. However I didn’t get anything. I’m not mad. This whole week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’m not going to let this defeat me. I will get better and I will overcome the walls in my life.

About:

Welcome. This is a blog where I write my journey into my life as I rebuild it. A quick bio, I’m a 25 year old male, works a dead end job, no college degree, suffered from depression, body image issues, procrastination, the list goes on and on.

The purpose of this blog is journal the progress of my life as I try to fix every last part of it. It is going to be tough, it is going to painful, change is not going to happen overnight. There will be cursing, there will be ranting, there will be positive post and there will be negative post. The point of all this is to change for the better and be the person who I always envisioned myself .