I fell off the wagon. My will power gave up on me. Spending two months on my diet and changing my life drained my will power. This morning I didn’t fast and ate a very carb heavy breakfast.
I feel like a piece of shit to be honest. I feel like my heart break from my previous post still getting to me. I wander the streets like a zombie. It’s not the fact that I’m alone it’s the fact that my life is not where I want to be. I honestly don’t want to put in the hard work and the mental stress. I compare myself to others. I see someone already accomplished and I say to myself that I’ll never be at that level.
It sucks having battles like these with your mind. For me there are times where I would triumph against my mind and do the things that would lead me to success and there are times, like today, that I would give in and let my mind sabotage me. A never ending battle.
I feel like there is a other entity in myself, a darkness sort of entity, that it’sole purpose is to see me fail and sabotage my life. This dark entity is the reason that I’m depressed, miserable and under accomplished. It’s tough to fight against this being.
Will power is a weapon that is used to fight off this darkness. Positivity is another thing that can fight this being off. All that sounds good on paper but it’s hard. It’s hard fighting off this being when you’re either hungry, tired or feeling any type of negative emotion.
So far so good for the beginning of March. I have been able to do my goals. The gym today was good. I had a really great workout. It was long but I was able to complete it. Approaching was good today. I didn’t approach my one yesterday but I made it up today by doing eleven.
My goal for approaching today was not to get numbers or anything. It was simply getting myself back into things, getting used to simply going up to women. It wasn’t pretty. Most of the approaches were from the side or walking with them.
This month is building that habit of approaching women, regardless of what happens after. It could be a simple compliment and moving on or small talk. Either way it’s working my way up.
It was really cold today but that didn’t stop me. I want to get good at dealing with women. I don’t want to be like every guy out there, hoping that they meet a women. I’m going to develop that skill where if I see an attractive woman, I’m not hesitating and I know what to say and not being afraid.
I haven’t been able to update as much since the last post. Work and martial arts have been preoccupying my time. I come home from a long day, tired, hungry and aching to go to bed. What I noticed is that if I get around eight hours of sleep my mood is generally better.
I do have a problem though, It’s really simple. I’m living day by day. What that means is that I’m not working on my goals. By not working on my goals I’m not improving. By not improving I’m going in a circle. By going in circle I’m not changing or shaping the life that I always desired. Everyday feels the same. It felt like I’m reliving the same bullshit over and over. I try to do new things but change is scary. I feel as if I’m being held back from greatness.
There were some changes throughout this week. For example I went to my Muay Thai gym. I’ve been slacking on that, unmotivated to go. I finally went back and worked out on my own. Working on the basics and doing body weight training. That was something great and new.
I’ve been slacking on my goals that I made from January. It’s already the end of February and what have I accomplished? Nothing. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much. The only thing that I can say proudly that I have done was work towards my future physique. Dieting and exercising has been going well and I noticed the change when I look in the mirror. Other than that, nothing. I have to adjust my goals and slowly work on them. The one thing I definitely need to do is start small and build discipline.
Have you ever had a day where you couldn’t do anything? You try to be productive but you can’t? I had that day today. A day full of nothing.
I didn’t have work today so after the gym this morning I decided to head to a coffee shop and work for a few good hours. What kind of work you may ask? Reading, writing, drawing and learning about marketing/sales/finance, pretty much anything to help me in my long term career.
I did none of that. I was in the coffee shop, unmotivated. I had the tools to get started but my head wasn’t there. The internet was a huge distraction as I was browsing Reddit and watching mindless YouTube videos. I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to help me in the long term but I couldn’t snap out of it. A wave of fatigue came over me. The americano not doing it’s job. I was totally helpless.
I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do what I intended to do. I felt self conscious with the people around me. I packed my things and left. I didn’t want to go home so quick so I wandered a bit in the city. I told myself to approach five women but I managed to approach one. She didn’t know how to hold a conversation so I just left.
Throughout the train ride home I kept thinking out my life purpose. What am I doing? Everyday felt the same. I felt like I wasn’t changing. I felt like I wasn’t improving. I felt the same. Is this what my life is? Working some dead end job and living with my parents forever? The thought of all that scared me, I know that if I want to change my life and my circumstance then I need to take action. I don’t want to take action. I don’t want to do the hard work. I want everything to come easy. I don’t want to struggle
I feel like I’m in this loop where everything is the same. No matter how hard I try to change things I always end up back on the loop. It’s almost the end of February, what have I done? Nothing. I try to do things but nothing. I need help.