Fell Off The Wagon.

I fell off the wagon. My will power gave up on me. Spending two months on my diet and changing my life drained my will power.  This morning I didn’t fast and ate a very carb heavy breakfast.

I feel like a piece of shit to be honest. I feel like my heart break from my previous post still getting to me. I wander the streets like a zombie. It’s not the fact that I’m alone it’s the fact that my life is not where I want to be. I honestly don’t want to put in the hard work and the mental stress. I compare myself to others. I see someone already accomplished and I say to myself that I’ll never be at that level.

It sucks having battles like these with your mind. For me there are times where I would triumph against my mind and do the things that would lead me to success and there are times, like today, that I would give in and let my mind sabotage me. A never ending battle.

I feel like there is a other entity in myself, a darkness sort of entity, that it’sole purpose is to see me fail and sabotage my life. This dark entity is the reason that I’m depressed, miserable and under accomplished. It’s tough to fight against this being.

Will power is a weapon that is used to fight off this darkness. Positivity is another thing that can fight this being off. All that sounds good on paper but it’s hard. It’s hard fighting off this being when you’re either hungry, tired or feeling any type of negative emotion.

 

 

 

 

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Heart Break

Heart breaks are not fun. They are never fun. People experience different pains. Some instantly while others take a moment. Regardless the pain will strike and it’s something that you will always remember.

You feel like shit.

You realize you are shit.

Actual shit is better than you.

That is what goes through your mind as the pain engulfs your body. Everything you stood for,  on the ground, squashed like a baby cockroach that got to close for it’s own kind.

It’s sad to say that I’m experiencing this right now..

I have been seeing this girl for a while. We’ve been dating for a while and we both decided to make it official. Things were going well till today. While I was working out at the gym today I get a text from her. I was supposed to meet her at her place tonight for a movie-dinner combo.

Nope. She texted me saying that she has a lot on her plate and that she couldn’t focus on work. This girl was the same girl I spoke about in my previous post. In fact it’s the same girl that didn’t want to be with me in the first place.

Anyway there I was on my way out of the gym, reading her text and feeling dead. At first I was like “Oh okay.” I experienced heart break before, which I’ll make a future post about but shit like this gets me all the time. It’s been a while since I felt like this.

I cried. I’ll admit it, I cried. I didn’t like sob like a baby or anything. I shed a few tears in private. The heart break snowballed into much more. I cried for my pathetic life. Then it hit me. My life is garbage. My life is fucking shit. At the place I work at there are customers who are working in their careers, younger than me!

I’m fucking 25 years old, nothing to show for. It made sense for her to leave. Why be with me? I live a shitty life working a shitty job. I try and try but accomplish nothing. I was fooling myself to think I can live a normal life with this girl. I was dead mistaken.

I am a failure. Her leaving showed me that I don’t deserve happiness. The way I see it is like god gave me a taste of what a normal life was like. God gave me a taste and took the dish away. I feel broken. No matter how hard I try to fix my life it’s not enough. I broke my diet today. I said “fuck it” and ate a fuck ton of carbs and shit. I fought so hard to stay healthy today but I was defeated. The short term pleasure was strong. I needed to feel “happy” right now. I caved and now I feel disgusted.

The question is what am I going to do now? I’m not going to give up, I’ll use today or maybe tomorrow to stray off the path but I’ll go back to it. It’s still March and they’re are others out there. I need to stay positive and learn from this.

 

 

Mind Fog & Lack Of Motivation.

Have you ever had a day where you couldn’t do anything? You try to be productive but you can’t? I had that day today. A day full of nothing.

I didn’t have work today so after the gym this morning I decided to head to a coffee shop and work for a few good hours. What kind of work you may ask? Reading, writing, drawing and learning about marketing/sales/finance, pretty much anything to help me in my long term career.

I did none of that. I was in the coffee shop, unmotivated. I had the tools to get started but my head wasn’t there. The internet was a huge distraction as I was browsing Reddit and watching mindless YouTube videos. I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to help me in the long term but I couldn’t snap out of it. A wave of fatigue came over me. The americano not doing it’s job. I was totally helpless.

I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do what I intended to do. I felt self conscious with the people around me. I packed my things and left. I didn’t want to go home so quick so I wandered a bit in the city. I told myself to approach five women but I managed to approach one. She didn’t know how to hold a conversation so I just left.

Throughout the train ride home I kept thinking out my life purpose. What am I doing? Everyday felt the same. I felt like I wasn’t changing. I felt like I wasn’t improving. I felt the same. Is this what my life is? Working some dead end job and living with my parents forever? The thought of all that scared me, I know that if I want to change my life and my circumstance then I need to take action. I don’t want to take action. I don’t want to do the hard work. I want everything to come easy. I don’t want to struggle

I feel like I’m in this loop where everything is the same. No matter how hard I try to change things I always end up back on the loop. It’s almost the end of February, what have I done? Nothing. I try to do things but nothing. I need help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Constant Struggle.

These past few days have been rough. With my diet it hard to have the necessary energy to do the basic things. My discipline is dwindling constantly. Yesterday I hit up the girl I went out with for Valentines day. We were talking and I asked her if that she was available Friday evening for drinks. After a while she sent this long text saying that her performance at work is getting worse and that she needs to get head in the game. Pretty much she didn’t want to see me anymore.

I screamed. This was something I normally didn’t do. I’m kinda used to rejection but this one really, really hit me hard. I honestly truly believed that this girl would be the one where it leads into a relationship. I should have been incredulous with my bad luck with women.

I cursed out God. I looked up in my ceiling and cursed at him, cursed him for making my life the way it was, cursing him for bringing me hardship. I told him to kill me, it was rough. I cried. The emotion snowballed and I poured out. I cursed God for my life.

The next morning I woke up with a painstaking headache. I somehow had a sore throat and I felt really nauseous. Karma and God did what I asked them to do, they punished me. I felt the pain. My head felt like it was about to explode. Every movement felt like the world was spinning. I felt cold. I called out of work. I believe I truly felt God’s wrath.

I got up, ate breakfast, took some Advil  and decided to head into the city. I was walking slower than usually and felt fatigued. I felt better throughout the morning as I went into a coffee shop and worked on a few things. Listening to a very good video about hustling in life. It was very motivating. I got up and tried to approach women. I didn’t approach in the front. I did my usually from the side. Nothing crazy. I was walking around for hours with this headache, trying to get something. However I didn’t get anything. I’m not mad. This whole week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’m not going to let this defeat me. I will get better and I will overcome the walls in my life.

Valentines Day, Long post.

So,Valentines Day, a day where either you have a good day or not. A lot of people seem to hate Valentines day, which I don’t  blame them. The most common reason that I believe is that they don’t have anyone to spend it with, which is fair. Another reason people don’t like it is that other people, television, movies, and social media, especially social media, remind them that if you don’t have a date that day then you’re a loser. Social Media has that effect.

Social media reminds you that the dreaded V-Day is coming with status, pictures or notifications from people and other apps. Apps like Pandora, Spotify and so forth. So I understand that Valentines Day is not for a lot of people and I respect that.

I never had a date on Valentines day, until today. Throughout my early 20’s I tried to get a date for this blasted day. I remember talking to my best friend, complaining how I always wanted to spend it with a girl. Every Valentines day I used to imagine what would it be like to go out on a nice date, pick the girl up, go to dinner or something and give her roses.

Early in my 20’s I never had the confidence to go approach women. Women were aliens to me. My confidence was super low and I had really low self esteem. My depression got the best of me which was even better. “I am ugly” echoed in my head for years. I talked to a few girls here and there from my job at the time. Nothing developed there. I didn’t have the skills to go get a girl.

Fast forward a few years later. After losing weight, I figured women would be into me. I figured that I was in decent shape that they would come to me and strike a conversation and I would date them. Nope. That’s not how it works. It may work if you’re really really attractive, like model attractive. I was super disappointed. It boosted my belief that “I’m ugly” and “Girls are only attracted to handsome guys”.

I learned some game, did some pickup. It was brutal, approach random girls on the street, trying to be someone you’re not, tying to have a casual conversation and then getting rejected. I have gotten rejected over a hundred times, and counting. It hurts putting yourself out there and getting squashed like a bug. Regardless I really wanted to fix my love life. Throughout those years I got a little better and started to go on dates. However I never could have gotten a date for Valentines day. I would always be single that day and I would feel so depressed.

I remember this one Valentines day where I somewhat got a date for Valentines day. She was being flakey and decided to ghost me out that day. It was snowing and 50 Shades Of Grey came out. I was wandering the city before work, looking at some books at a bookstore. I noticed women there, I tried to talk to them but nothing. I couldn’t do it. I saw this one girl I approached a while ago. She was with her friends. I got her number at the time and tried to text her for a date. She gave me a fake number. I remember feeling really sad that this girl will rather be alone on Valentines day then be with me. It made me feel worthless. Another thought popped in my head,  a pretty girl like her had a bunch of guys waiting for her. All she had to do is send a text and they’ll be right there. I felt hopeless.

More Valentines days later and we reach 2017. It was around mid January that this year I wanted to see if I can land a date for Valentines day, if not it was fine I have the next year to land a date. I have gotten better and by doing NoFap I was motivated to meet women. I went out and approached. I got a decent amount of numbers and went on a few dates. Nothing went passed the first date, however. I still tried.

February hit and I was talking to two to three girls. One of them, Girl A, liked me. I mean we went on a second date and I feeling her up. Another one I had to end it because she was meek and felt the need to slow way down, plus she was boring. I got a few duds and ghost from a few girls. One I really like and had good chemistry with but she decided that she wasn’t looking for anything.

Last week I went out with someone who I really enjoyed talking to. It was a simple coffee date. I did the right things, made her laugh, talk about simple things, touched her on the forearm, lower back and thigh but it wasn’t enough. At the end of the date when we parted ways I asked her to go out on Valentines day. I got the “I’ll let you know” phrase. I fucking hate when women say that fucking shit. That is a clear sign that she doesn’t want anything to do with you. I took that as a rejection and deleted her number the next day. Turns out I was right, she didn’t want to date me and just want to be friends. I still have her number but she can go fuck someone and get herpies.

Girl A is tricky too. She didn’t want anything serious so I have little to no expectation for her. I asked her if she wanted to get dinner that day we went out. I told her I wanted to take her out. She kept saying she wanted to work that day and that “I’ll let you know”, ugh. I text her last weekend either a yes or a no. She said yes to my surprise, I was shocked. Either way I got excited, for once I can really have a date for Valentines day.

There was Girl B who I met a week prior. We were supposed to go out on a date but she rescheduled  as she had to do something. I asked if she wanted to do Valentines day and she said yes to my surprise. I had two dates for Valentines day. It was too good to be true.

Valentines day is important to me. Simply because I never had one. Watching tv/movies installed this idea that if you don’t have a date that day then you’re a loser. I don’t believe that anymore as I proved to myself that I can land a date, just not that day. I always wanted to spend Valentines day with a woman and feel wanted, have other people look at me and think “We’ll he’s not spending Valentines day alone”.

I was happy and couldn’t wait for Tuesday. However things didn’t always turn out the way I want them to. Girl A cancelled this morning. Something came up and she had to cancel. She didn’t bother to reschedule or make it up to me. I had a feeling like something like this was going to happen. I still haven’t responded to her as I really know how I stand with her. I really wanted to spend Valentines day with her as I went farther with her than Girl B. I haven’t gone out with Girl B yet so I didn’t feel confident going in. The plan was spend the day with Girl B over an early drink then go get dinner with Girl A. Now I was superfluous with Girl B as I felt so depressed this morning.

I texted Girl B about if we’re still meeting up for today. She said yes. Part of me was relived but at the same time was still skeptical and keep assuming she was going to cancel at the last moment. I got dressed as we met for drinks around 7 pm. I got her a single rose as I waited. I felt like a weight was finally off my shoulder. I was nervous that some external force was going to interfere and she would cancel, leaving me with walking home with my tail between my legs. She came and was happy to see me.

Finally, I was having a date with a woman on Valentines day. All those lonely Valentines day were forgotten as we both hugged and we went in the bar. The place was packed as we sat across from one another. We talked, I had a great time. We had a lot in common as we talked for a good two hours. We left early as she had to get to work early tomorrow. I went for it and kissed her. She kissed me back. It was great, far beyond my expectation. We planed a next the date. Throughout the train ride I couldn’t believe that I had a date for Valentines day. I was smiling all the way home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

About:

Welcome. This is a blog where I write my journey into my life as I rebuild it. A quick bio, I’m a 25 year old male, works a dead end job, no college degree, suffered from depression, body image issues, procrastination, the list goes on and on.

The purpose of this blog is journal the progress of my life as I try to fix every last part of it. It is going to be tough, it is going to painful, change is not going to happen overnight. There will be cursing, there will be ranting, there will be positive post and there will be negative post. The point of all this is to change for the better and be the person who I always envisioned myself .