Fell Off The Wagon.

I fell off the wagon. My will power gave up on me. Spending two months on my diet and changing my life drained my will power.  This morning I didn’t fast and ate a very carb heavy breakfast.

I feel like a piece of shit to be honest. I feel like my heart break from my previous post still getting to me. I wander the streets like a zombie. It’s not the fact that I’m alone it’s the fact that my life is not where I want to be. I honestly don’t want to put in the hard work and the mental stress. I compare myself to others. I see someone already accomplished and I say to myself that I’ll never be at that level.

It sucks having battles like these with your mind. For me there are times where I would triumph against my mind and do the things that would lead me to success and there are times, like today, that I would give in and let my mind sabotage me. A never ending battle.

I feel like there is a other entity in myself, a darkness sort of entity, that it’sole purpose is to see me fail and sabotage my life. This dark entity is the reason that I’m depressed, miserable and under accomplished. It’s tough to fight against this being.

Will power is a weapon that is used to fight off this darkness. Positivity is another thing that can fight this being off. All that sounds good on paper but it’s hard. It’s hard fighting off this being when you’re either hungry, tired or feeling any type of negative emotion.

 

 

 

 

Heart Break

Heart breaks are not fun. They are never fun. People experience different pains. Some instantly while others take a moment. Regardless the pain will strike and it’s something that you will always remember.

You feel like shit.

You realize you are shit.

Actual shit is better than you.

That is what goes through your mind as the pain engulfs your body. Everything you stood for,  on the ground, squashed like a baby cockroach that got to close for it’s own kind.

It’s sad to say that I’m experiencing this right now..

I have been seeing this girl for a while. We’ve been dating for a while and we both decided to make it official. Things were going well till today. While I was working out at the gym today I get a text from her. I was supposed to meet her at her place tonight for a movie-dinner combo.

Nope. She texted me saying that she has a lot on her plate and that she couldn’t focus on work. This girl was the same girl I spoke about in my previous post. In fact it’s the same girl that didn’t want to be with me in the first place.

Anyway there I was on my way out of the gym, reading her text and feeling dead. At first I was like “Oh okay.” I experienced heart break before, which I’ll make a future post about but shit like this gets me all the time. It’s been a while since I felt like this.

I cried. I’ll admit it, I cried. I didn’t like sob like a baby or anything. I shed a few tears in private. The heart break snowballed into much more. I cried for my pathetic life. Then it hit me. My life is garbage. My life is fucking shit. At the place I work at there are customers who are working in their careers, younger than me!

I’m fucking 25 years old, nothing to show for. It made sense for her to leave. Why be with me? I live a shitty life working a shitty job. I try and try but accomplish nothing. I was fooling myself to think I can live a normal life with this girl. I was dead mistaken.

I am a failure. Her leaving showed me that I don’t deserve happiness. The way I see it is like god gave me a taste of what a normal life was like. God gave me a taste and took the dish away. I feel broken. No matter how hard I try to fix my life it’s not enough. I broke my diet today. I said “fuck it” and ate a fuck ton of carbs and shit. I fought so hard to stay healthy today but I was defeated. The short term pleasure was strong. I needed to feel “happy” right now. I caved and now I feel disgusted.

The question is what am I going to do now? I’m not going to give up, I’ll use today or maybe tomorrow to stray off the path but I’ll go back to it. It’s still March and they’re are others out there. I need to stay positive and learn from this.

 

 

Mind Fog & Lack Of Motivation.

Have you ever had a day where you couldn’t do anything? You try to be productive but you can’t? I had that day today. A day full of nothing.

I didn’t have work today so after the gym this morning I decided to head to a coffee shop and work for a few good hours. What kind of work you may ask? Reading, writing, drawing and learning about marketing/sales/finance, pretty much anything to help me in my long term career.

I did none of that. I was in the coffee shop, unmotivated. I had the tools to get started but my head wasn’t there. The internet was a huge distraction as I was browsing Reddit and watching mindless YouTube videos. I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to help me in the long term but I couldn’t snap out of it. A wave of fatigue came over me. The americano not doing it’s job. I was totally helpless.

I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do what I intended to do. I felt self conscious with the people around me. I packed my things and left. I didn’t want to go home so quick so I wandered a bit in the city. I told myself to approach five women but I managed to approach one. She didn’t know how to hold a conversation so I just left.

Throughout the train ride home I kept thinking out my life purpose. What am I doing? Everyday felt the same. I felt like I wasn’t changing. I felt like I wasn’t improving. I felt the same. Is this what my life is? Working some dead end job and living with my parents forever? The thought of all that scared me, I know that if I want to change my life and my circumstance then I need to take action. I don’t want to take action. I don’t want to do the hard work. I want everything to come easy. I don’t want to struggle

I feel like I’m in this loop where everything is the same. No matter how hard I try to change things I always end up back on the loop. It’s almost the end of February, what have I done? Nothing. I try to do things but nothing. I need help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Constant Struggle.

These past few days have been rough. With my diet it hard to have the necessary energy to do the basic things. My discipline is dwindling constantly. Yesterday I hit up the girl I went out with for Valentines day. We were talking and I asked her if that she was available Friday evening for drinks. After a while she sent this long text saying that her performance at work is getting worse and that she needs to get head in the game. Pretty much she didn’t want to see me anymore.

I screamed. This was something I normally didn’t do. I’m kinda used to rejection but this one really, really hit me hard. I honestly truly believed that this girl would be the one where it leads into a relationship. I should have been incredulous with my bad luck with women.

I cursed out God. I looked up in my ceiling and cursed at him, cursed him for making my life the way it was, cursing him for bringing me hardship. I told him to kill me, it was rough. I cried. The emotion snowballed and I poured out. I cursed God for my life.

The next morning I woke up with a painstaking headache. I somehow had a sore throat and I felt really nauseous. Karma and God did what I asked them to do, they punished me. I felt the pain. My head felt like it was about to explode. Every movement felt like the world was spinning. I felt cold. I called out of work. I believe I truly felt God’s wrath.

I got up, ate breakfast, took some Advil  and decided to head into the city. I was walking slower than usually and felt fatigued. I felt better throughout the morning as I went into a coffee shop and worked on a few things. Listening to a very good video about hustling in life. It was very motivating. I got up and tried to approach women. I didn’t approach in the front. I did my usually from the side. Nothing crazy. I was walking around for hours with this headache, trying to get something. However I didn’t get anything. I’m not mad. This whole week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’m not going to let this defeat me. I will get better and I will overcome the walls in my life.

Gym & Being Friends

WORKOUT:

The gym today was good. My deadlifts is one of my weakest exercise. In order from weak to strong would be; Barbell Row->Overhead Press->Deadlift->Bench->Squat. I’m trying to work on my weakness and overcome it. My numbers for this lift aren’t that great. I’m on a cut right now till summer so I can’t increase the weight that much simply because I’m on a calorie deficit.

I lost three pounds, which is good. I’ve been following a strict diet. Low carb high protein diet. I’ve been on it for a month and half. So far so good. I’m losing the weight slowly while I maintain some of my strength. There have been times that I went up in a few of my lifts. I look better in the mirror. I have a skinny fat type body, meaning that I have more fat around my midsection than anywhere else. I want to bulk up and get big muscles but that’s going to give me a bigger stomach. The first phase of my weight loss plan is to lose the belly fat and love handles. No matter how long it takes I’m going to lose the belly first then work on building up.

DATING

Yesterday I met up with girl, lets call her Sarah. This is the second date and I decided we should cook together. She has a small kitchen at her dorm so we cooked there. Lucky for me that she liked to eat healthy. We cooked turkey patties and side of broccoli. It was good. However it was hard to have a conversation with her. She’s boring. On top of that she wanted to wait longer to even kiss. She says that she didn’t want to move to fast. How is that fast? kissing is not fast. Either way it was boring, we watched a few youtube videos but I knew that nothing was going to happen and that I should go. I gave her a hug goodbye and left. Later on that day I decided that whatever me and Sarah were wasn’t going to happen.  I texted her saying that it’s not going to happen. She said okay, so that solves it.

APPROACHING

So the way I meet women is by approaching them in the street. I hate online dating;OKcupud, Tinder.etc. By approaching women in the street I’m putting my balls on the chopping block as well as working on my confidence.

Today was those days that I wasn’t in it. I was supposed to have a date with this girl name Kelly but she cancelled on me. I went out to approach but it was way to cold. On top of that the wind was unbearable. I did manage to get a few approaches but it was duds. I brought my laptop and my sketchbook and sat in a coffee shop but I didn’t have the motivation to work. I was getting distracted. On top of that I don’t like people looking at me when I browse the internet. I left and now I’m home, typing this.