Living Day to Day

I haven’t been able to update as much since the last post. Work and martial arts have been preoccupying my time. I come home from a long day, tired, hungry and aching to go to bed. What I noticed is that if I get around eight hours of sleep my mood is generally better.

I do have a problem though, It’s really simple. I’m living day by day. What that means is that I’m not working on my goals. By not working on my goals I’m not improving. By not improving I’m going in a circle. By going in circle I’m not changing or shaping the life that I always desired. Everyday feels the same. It felt like I’m reliving the same bullshit over and over. I try to do new things but change is scary. I feel as if I’m being held back from greatness.

There were some changes throughout this week. For example I went to my Muay Thai gym. I’ve been slacking on that, unmotivated to go. I finally went back and worked out on my own. Working on the basics and doing body weight training. That was something great and new.

I’ve been slacking on my goals that I made from January. It’s already the end of February and what have I accomplished? Nothing. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much. The only thing that I can say proudly that I have done was work towards my future physique. Dieting and exercising has been going well and I noticed the change when I look in the mirror. Other than that, nothing. I have to adjust my goals and slowly work on them. The one thing I definitely need to do is  start small and build discipline.

 

 

Mind Fog & Lack Of Motivation.

Have you ever had a day where you couldn’t do anything? You try to be productive but you can’t? I had that day today. A day full of nothing.

I didn’t have work today so after the gym this morning I decided to head to a coffee shop and work for a few good hours. What kind of work you may ask? Reading, writing, drawing and learning about marketing/sales/finance, pretty much anything to help me in my long term career.

I did none of that. I was in the coffee shop, unmotivated. I had the tools to get started but my head wasn’t there. The internet was a huge distraction as I was browsing Reddit and watching mindless YouTube videos. I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to help me in the long term but I couldn’t snap out of it. A wave of fatigue came over me. The americano not doing it’s job. I was totally helpless.

I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do what I intended to do. I felt self conscious with the people around me. I packed my things and left. I didn’t want to go home so quick so I wandered a bit in the city. I told myself to approach five women but I managed to approach one. She didn’t know how to hold a conversation so I just left.

Throughout the train ride home I kept thinking out my life purpose. What am I doing? Everyday felt the same. I felt like I wasn’t changing. I felt like I wasn’t improving. I felt the same. Is this what my life is? Working some dead end job and living with my parents forever? The thought of all that scared me, I know that if I want to change my life and my circumstance then I need to take action. I don’t want to take action. I don’t want to do the hard work. I want everything to come easy. I don’t want to struggle

I feel like I’m in this loop where everything is the same. No matter how hard I try to change things I always end up back on the loop. It’s almost the end of February, what have I done? Nothing. I try to do things but nothing. I need help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Valentines Day, Long post.

So,Valentines Day, a day where either you have a good day or not. A lot of people seem to hate Valentines day, which I don’t  blame them. The most common reason that I believe is that they don’t have anyone to spend it with, which is fair. Another reason people don’t like it is that other people, television, movies, and social media, especially social media, remind them that if you don’t have a date that day then you’re a loser. Social Media has that effect.

Social media reminds you that the dreaded V-Day is coming with status, pictures or notifications from people and other apps. Apps like Pandora, Spotify and so forth. So I understand that Valentines Day is not for a lot of people and I respect that.

I never had a date on Valentines day, until today. Throughout my early 20’s I tried to get a date for this blasted day. I remember talking to my best friend, complaining how I always wanted to spend it with a girl. Every Valentines day I used to imagine what would it be like to go out on a nice date, pick the girl up, go to dinner or something and give her roses.

Early in my 20’s I never had the confidence to go approach women. Women were aliens to me. My confidence was super low and I had really low self esteem. My depression got the best of me which was even better. “I am ugly” echoed in my head for years. I talked to a few girls here and there from my job at the time. Nothing developed there. I didn’t have the skills to go get a girl.

Fast forward a few years later. After losing weight, I figured women would be into me. I figured that I was in decent shape that they would come to me and strike a conversation and I would date them. Nope. That’s not how it works. It may work if you’re really really attractive, like model attractive. I was super disappointed. It boosted my belief that “I’m ugly” and “Girls are only attracted to handsome guys”.

I learned some game, did some pickup. It was brutal, approach random girls on the street, trying to be someone you’re not, tying to have a casual conversation and then getting rejected. I have gotten rejected over a hundred times, and counting. It hurts putting yourself out there and getting squashed like a bug. Regardless I really wanted to fix my love life. Throughout those years I got a little better and started to go on dates. However I never could have gotten a date for Valentines day. I would always be single that day and I would feel so depressed.

I remember this one Valentines day where I somewhat got a date for Valentines day. She was being flakey and decided to ghost me out that day. It was snowing and 50 Shades Of Grey came out. I was wandering the city before work, looking at some books at a bookstore. I noticed women there, I tried to talk to them but nothing. I couldn’t do it. I saw this one girl I approached a while ago. She was with her friends. I got her number at the time and tried to text her for a date. She gave me a fake number. I remember feeling really sad that this girl will rather be alone on Valentines day then be with me. It made me feel worthless. Another thought popped in my head,  a pretty girl like her had a bunch of guys waiting for her. All she had to do is send a text and they’ll be right there. I felt hopeless.

More Valentines days later and we reach 2017. It was around mid January that this year I wanted to see if I can land a date for Valentines day, if not it was fine I have the next year to land a date. I have gotten better and by doing NoFap I was motivated to meet women. I went out and approached. I got a decent amount of numbers and went on a few dates. Nothing went passed the first date, however. I still tried.

February hit and I was talking to two to three girls. One of them, Girl A, liked me. I mean we went on a second date and I feeling her up. Another one I had to end it because she was meek and felt the need to slow way down, plus she was boring. I got a few duds and ghost from a few girls. One I really like and had good chemistry with but she decided that she wasn’t looking for anything.

Last week I went out with someone who I really enjoyed talking to. It was a simple coffee date. I did the right things, made her laugh, talk about simple things, touched her on the forearm, lower back and thigh but it wasn’t enough. At the end of the date when we parted ways I asked her to go out on Valentines day. I got the “I’ll let you know” phrase. I fucking hate when women say that fucking shit. That is a clear sign that she doesn’t want anything to do with you. I took that as a rejection and deleted her number the next day. Turns out I was right, she didn’t want to date me and just want to be friends. I still have her number but she can go fuck someone and get herpies.

Girl A is tricky too. She didn’t want anything serious so I have little to no expectation for her. I asked her if she wanted to get dinner that day we went out. I told her I wanted to take her out. She kept saying she wanted to work that day and that “I’ll let you know”, ugh. I text her last weekend either a yes or a no. She said yes to my surprise, I was shocked. Either way I got excited, for once I can really have a date for Valentines day.

There was Girl B who I met a week prior. We were supposed to go out on a date but she rescheduled  as she had to do something. I asked if she wanted to do Valentines day and she said yes to my surprise. I had two dates for Valentines day. It was too good to be true.

Valentines day is important to me. Simply because I never had one. Watching tv/movies installed this idea that if you don’t have a date that day then you’re a loser. I don’t believe that anymore as I proved to myself that I can land a date, just not that day. I always wanted to spend Valentines day with a woman and feel wanted, have other people look at me and think “We’ll he’s not spending Valentines day alone”.

I was happy and couldn’t wait for Tuesday. However things didn’t always turn out the way I want them to. Girl A cancelled this morning. Something came up and she had to cancel. She didn’t bother to reschedule or make it up to me. I had a feeling like something like this was going to happen. I still haven’t responded to her as I really know how I stand with her. I really wanted to spend Valentines day with her as I went farther with her than Girl B. I haven’t gone out with Girl B yet so I didn’t feel confident going in. The plan was spend the day with Girl B over an early drink then go get dinner with Girl A. Now I was superfluous with Girl B as I felt so depressed this morning.

I texted Girl B about if we’re still meeting up for today. She said yes. Part of me was relived but at the same time was still skeptical and keep assuming she was going to cancel at the last moment. I got dressed as we met for drinks around 7 pm. I got her a single rose as I waited. I felt like a weight was finally off my shoulder. I was nervous that some external force was going to interfere and she would cancel, leaving me with walking home with my tail between my legs. She came and was happy to see me.

Finally, I was having a date with a woman on Valentines day. All those lonely Valentines day were forgotten as we both hugged and we went in the bar. The place was packed as we sat across from one another. We talked, I had a great time. We had a lot in common as we talked for a good two hours. We left early as she had to get to work early tomorrow. I went for it and kissed her. She kissed me back. It was great, far beyond my expectation. We planed a next the date. Throughout the train ride I couldn’t believe that I had a date for Valentines day. I was smiling all the way home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

About:

Welcome. This is a blog where I write my journey into my life as I rebuild it. A quick bio, I’m a 25 year old male, works a dead end job, no college degree, suffered from depression, body image issues, procrastination, the list goes on and on.

The purpose of this blog is journal the progress of my life as I try to fix every last part of it. It is going to be tough, it is going to painful, change is not going to happen overnight. There will be cursing, there will be ranting, there will be positive post and there will be negative post. The point of all this is to change for the better and be the person who I always envisioned myself .