I haven’t been able to update as much since the last post. Work and martial arts have been preoccupying my time. I come home from a long day, tired, hungry and aching to go to bed. What I noticed is that if I get around eight hours of sleep my mood is generally better.
I do have a problem though, It’s really simple. I’m living day by day. What that means is that I’m not working on my goals. By not working on my goals I’m not improving. By not improving I’m going in a circle. By going in circle I’m not changing or shaping the life that I always desired. Everyday feels the same. It felt like I’m reliving the same bullshit over and over. I try to do new things but change is scary. I feel as if I’m being held back from greatness.
There were some changes throughout this week. For example I went to my Muay Thai gym. I’ve been slacking on that, unmotivated to go. I finally went back and worked out on my own. Working on the basics and doing body weight training. That was something great and new.
I’ve been slacking on my goals that I made from January. It’s already the end of February and what have I accomplished? Nothing. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much. The only thing that I can say proudly that I have done was work towards my future physique. Dieting and exercising has been going well and I noticed the change when I look in the mirror. Other than that, nothing. I have to adjust my goals and slowly work on them. The one thing I definitely need to do is start small and build discipline.
Have you ever had a day where you couldn’t do anything? You try to be productive but you can’t? I had that day today. A day full of nothing.
I didn’t have work today so after the gym this morning I decided to head to a coffee shop and work for a few good hours. What kind of work you may ask? Reading, writing, drawing and learning about marketing/sales/finance, pretty much anything to help me in my long term career.
I did none of that. I was in the coffee shop, unmotivated. I had the tools to get started but my head wasn’t there. The internet was a huge distraction as I was browsing Reddit and watching mindless YouTube videos. I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to help me in the long term but I couldn’t snap out of it. A wave of fatigue came over me. The americano not doing it’s job. I was totally helpless.
I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do what I intended to do. I felt self conscious with the people around me. I packed my things and left. I didn’t want to go home so quick so I wandered a bit in the city. I told myself to approach five women but I managed to approach one. She didn’t know how to hold a conversation so I just left.
Throughout the train ride home I kept thinking out my life purpose. What am I doing? Everyday felt the same. I felt like I wasn’t changing. I felt like I wasn’t improving. I felt the same. Is this what my life is? Working some dead end job and living with my parents forever? The thought of all that scared me, I know that if I want to change my life and my circumstance then I need to take action. I don’t want to take action. I don’t want to do the hard work. I want everything to come easy. I don’t want to struggle
I feel like I’m in this loop where everything is the same. No matter how hard I try to change things I always end up back on the loop. It’s almost the end of February, what have I done? Nothing. I try to do things but nothing. I need help.
I felt a lot better today than yesterday, obviously. I slept and woke up in the middle of the night feeling hot and cold. It was rough being in that grey area. I took some Advil and headed off to the gym. I wanted to skip the gym but I forced myself to go. I didn’t do my normal workout routine. I did Chest/Triceps today, I didn’t go heavy but I got a good workout in.
After getting ready I went into the city and try to approach women. My approach anxiety was getting the best of me. On top of that my voice was cracked and low. I couldn’t speak that well but I tired anyway. So far today was decent. I got a few approaches in but it wasn’t great. Throughout the day I started to feel fatigue and light headed. I ate, drank a ton of vitamin water zero and called it quits.
Overall today wasn’t bad, at least I did a few approaches even though it was bad. I’m slowly getting myself used to going out and meeting women. Approaching and meeting women is hard but if I get good at this it will carry over into my other parts of my life. It’s hard for a reason, if anyone could do it then it wouldn’t be worthwhile.
The gym today was good. My deadlifts is one of my weakest exercise. In order from weak to strong would be; Barbell Row->Overhead Press->Deadlift->Bench->Squat. I’m trying to work on my weakness and overcome it. My numbers for this lift aren’t that great. I’m on a cut right now till summer so I can’t increase the weight that much simply because I’m on a calorie deficit.
I lost three pounds, which is good. I’ve been following a strict diet. Low carb high protein diet. I’ve been on it for a month and half. So far so good. I’m losing the weight slowly while I maintain some of my strength. There have been times that I went up in a few of my lifts. I look better in the mirror. I have a skinny fat type body, meaning that I have more fat around my midsection than anywhere else. I want to bulk up and get big muscles but that’s going to give me a bigger stomach. The first phase of my weight loss plan is to lose the belly fat and love handles. No matter how long it takes I’m going to lose the belly first then work on building up.
Yesterday I met up with girl, lets call her Sarah. This is the second date and I decided we should cook together. She has a small kitchen at her dorm so we cooked there. Lucky for me that she liked to eat healthy. We cooked turkey patties and side of broccoli. It was good. However it was hard to have a conversation with her. She’s boring. On top of that she wanted to wait longer to even kiss. She says that she didn’t want to move to fast. How is that fast? kissing is not fast. Either way it was boring, we watched a few youtube videos but I knew that nothing was going to happen and that I should go. I gave her a hug goodbye and left. Later on that day I decided that whatever me and Sarah were wasn’t going to happen. I texted her saying that it’s not going to happen. She said okay, so that solves it.
So the way I meet women is by approaching them in the street. I hate online dating;OKcupud, Tinder.etc. By approaching women in the street I’m putting my balls on the chopping block as well as working on my confidence.
Today was those days that I wasn’t in it. I was supposed to have a date with this girl name Kelly but she cancelled on me. I went out to approach but it was way to cold. On top of that the wind was unbearable. I did manage to get a few approaches but it was duds. I brought my laptop and my sketchbook and sat in a coffee shop but I didn’t have the motivation to work. I was getting distracted. On top of that I don’t like people looking at me when I browse the internet. I left and now I’m home, typing this.