Manprovement March

This whole month of March is going to be a improvement month. It felt like it was just the beginning of February yesterday. What have I accomplished in February? Not much. The one thing that I believe that I have done is improve my physique. I lost about pounds and went up with my lifts. I have also read one book in the whole month. One book! It wasn’t that long either, it was; I Am Legend. I need to stop slacking and get my shit together.

There are so many things that I want to implement in my life right now. However if I were to do to many things it won’t work. I tried in the past and I failed, countless times. So for this month I’m going to do four things.

  1. Read 2 books; 1 Fiction. 1 Self-Help
  2. Draw at least 30 minutes or more everyday.
  3. Meditate 3-5 minutes everyday.
  4. Approach 1 woman or more a day.

That’s it. Nothing to fancy. They say that it takes roughly twenty one days to form a habit. There is thirty days in March, I’d say that is enough time to form a habit.

I’m going to journal my progress here. Depending how busy I am, I will aim to post my progress everyday. It’s going to be tough. Doing things that I’m not use to and trying to mentally force myself to do these things. I want to prove to myself that I can do this and that I can change towards a better, stronger person.

 

 

Valentines Day, Long post.

So,Valentines Day, a day where either you have a good day or not. A lot of people seem to hate Valentines day, which I don’t  blame them. The most common reason that I believe is that they don’t have anyone to spend it with, which is fair. Another reason people don’t like it is that other people, television, movies, and social media, especially social media, remind them that if you don’t have a date that day then you’re a loser. Social Media has that effect.

Social media reminds you that the dreaded V-Day is coming with status, pictures or notifications from people and other apps. Apps like Pandora, Spotify and so forth. So I understand that Valentines Day is not for a lot of people and I respect that.

I never had a date on Valentines day, until today. Throughout my early 20’s I tried to get a date for this blasted day. I remember talking to my best friend, complaining how I always wanted to spend it with a girl. Every Valentines day I used to imagine what would it be like to go out on a nice date, pick the girl up, go to dinner or something and give her roses.

Early in my 20’s I never had the confidence to go approach women. Women were aliens to me. My confidence was super low and I had really low self esteem. My depression got the best of me which was even better. “I am ugly” echoed in my head for years. I talked to a few girls here and there from my job at the time. Nothing developed there. I didn’t have the skills to go get a girl.

Fast forward a few years later. After losing weight, I figured women would be into me. I figured that I was in decent shape that they would come to me and strike a conversation and I would date them. Nope. That’s not how it works. It may work if you’re really really attractive, like model attractive. I was super disappointed. It boosted my belief that “I’m ugly” and “Girls are only attracted to handsome guys”.

I learned some game, did some pickup. It was brutal, approach random girls on the street, trying to be someone you’re not, tying to have a casual conversation and then getting rejected. I have gotten rejected over a hundred times, and counting. It hurts putting yourself out there and getting squashed like a bug. Regardless I really wanted to fix my love life. Throughout those years I got a little better and started to go on dates. However I never could have gotten a date for Valentines day. I would always be single that day and I would feel so depressed.

I remember this one Valentines day where I somewhat got a date for Valentines day. She was being flakey and decided to ghost me out that day. It was snowing and 50 Shades Of Grey came out. I was wandering the city before work, looking at some books at a bookstore. I noticed women there, I tried to talk to them but nothing. I couldn’t do it. I saw this one girl I approached a while ago. She was with her friends. I got her number at the time and tried to text her for a date. She gave me a fake number. I remember feeling really sad that this girl will rather be alone on Valentines day then be with me. It made me feel worthless. Another thought popped in my head,  a pretty girl like her had a bunch of guys waiting for her. All she had to do is send a text and they’ll be right there. I felt hopeless.

More Valentines days later and we reach 2017. It was around mid January that this year I wanted to see if I can land a date for Valentines day, if not it was fine I have the next year to land a date. I have gotten better and by doing NoFap I was motivated to meet women. I went out and approached. I got a decent amount of numbers and went on a few dates. Nothing went passed the first date, however. I still tried.

February hit and I was talking to two to three girls. One of them, Girl A, liked me. I mean we went on a second date and I feeling her up. Another one I had to end it because she was meek and felt the need to slow way down, plus she was boring. I got a few duds and ghost from a few girls. One I really like and had good chemistry with but she decided that she wasn’t looking for anything.

Last week I went out with someone who I really enjoyed talking to. It was a simple coffee date. I did the right things, made her laugh, talk about simple things, touched her on the forearm, lower back and thigh but it wasn’t enough. At the end of the date when we parted ways I asked her to go out on Valentines day. I got the “I’ll let you know” phrase. I fucking hate when women say that fucking shit. That is a clear sign that she doesn’t want anything to do with you. I took that as a rejection and deleted her number the next day. Turns out I was right, she didn’t want to date me and just want to be friends. I still have her number but she can go fuck someone and get herpies.

Girl A is tricky too. She didn’t want anything serious so I have little to no expectation for her. I asked her if she wanted to get dinner that day we went out. I told her I wanted to take her out. She kept saying she wanted to work that day and that “I’ll let you know”, ugh. I text her last weekend either a yes or a no. She said yes to my surprise, I was shocked. Either way I got excited, for once I can really have a date for Valentines day.

There was Girl B who I met a week prior. We were supposed to go out on a date but she rescheduled  as she had to do something. I asked if she wanted to do Valentines day and she said yes to my surprise. I had two dates for Valentines day. It was too good to be true.

Valentines day is important to me. Simply because I never had one. Watching tv/movies installed this idea that if you don’t have a date that day then you’re a loser. I don’t believe that anymore as I proved to myself that I can land a date, just not that day. I always wanted to spend Valentines day with a woman and feel wanted, have other people look at me and think “We’ll he’s not spending Valentines day alone”.

I was happy and couldn’t wait for Tuesday. However things didn’t always turn out the way I want them to. Girl A cancelled this morning. Something came up and she had to cancel. She didn’t bother to reschedule or make it up to me. I had a feeling like something like this was going to happen. I still haven’t responded to her as I really know how I stand with her. I really wanted to spend Valentines day with her as I went farther with her than Girl B. I haven’t gone out with Girl B yet so I didn’t feel confident going in. The plan was spend the day with Girl B over an early drink then go get dinner with Girl A. Now I was superfluous with Girl B as I felt so depressed this morning.

I texted Girl B about if we’re still meeting up for today. She said yes. Part of me was relived but at the same time was still skeptical and keep assuming she was going to cancel at the last moment. I got dressed as we met for drinks around 7 pm. I got her a single rose as I waited. I felt like a weight was finally off my shoulder. I was nervous that some external force was going to interfere and she would cancel, leaving me with walking home with my tail between my legs. She came and was happy to see me.

Finally, I was having a date with a woman on Valentines day. All those lonely Valentines day were forgotten as we both hugged and we went in the bar. The place was packed as we sat across from one another. We talked, I had a great time. We had a lot in common as we talked for a good two hours. We left early as she had to get to work early tomorrow. I went for it and kissed her. She kissed me back. It was great, far beyond my expectation. We planed a next the date. Throughout the train ride I couldn’t believe that I had a date for Valentines day. I was smiling all the way home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gym & Being Friends

WORKOUT:

The gym today was good. My deadlifts is one of my weakest exercise. In order from weak to strong would be; Barbell Row->Overhead Press->Deadlift->Bench->Squat. I’m trying to work on my weakness and overcome it. My numbers for this lift aren’t that great. I’m on a cut right now till summer so I can’t increase the weight that much simply because I’m on a calorie deficit.

I lost three pounds, which is good. I’ve been following a strict diet. Low carb high protein diet. I’ve been on it for a month and half. So far so good. I’m losing the weight slowly while I maintain some of my strength. There have been times that I went up in a few of my lifts. I look better in the mirror. I have a skinny fat type body, meaning that I have more fat around my midsection than anywhere else. I want to bulk up and get big muscles but that’s going to give me a bigger stomach. The first phase of my weight loss plan is to lose the belly fat and love handles. No matter how long it takes I’m going to lose the belly first then work on building up.

DATING

Yesterday I met up with girl, lets call her Sarah. This is the second date and I decided we should cook together. She has a small kitchen at her dorm so we cooked there. Lucky for me that she liked to eat healthy. We cooked turkey patties and side of broccoli. It was good. However it was hard to have a conversation with her. She’s boring. On top of that she wanted to wait longer to even kiss. She says that she didn’t want to move to fast. How is that fast? kissing is not fast. Either way it was boring, we watched a few youtube videos but I knew that nothing was going to happen and that I should go. I gave her a hug goodbye and left. Later on that day I decided that whatever me and Sarah were wasn’t going to happen.  I texted her saying that it’s not going to happen. She said okay, so that solves it.

APPROACHING

So the way I meet women is by approaching them in the street. I hate online dating;OKcupud, Tinder.etc. By approaching women in the street I’m putting my balls on the chopping block as well as working on my confidence.

Today was those days that I wasn’t in it. I was supposed to have a date with this girl name Kelly but she cancelled on me. I went out to approach but it was way to cold. On top of that the wind was unbearable. I did manage to get a few approaches but it was duds. I brought my laptop and my sketchbook and sat in a coffee shop but I didn’t have the motivation to work. I was getting distracted. On top of that I don’t like people looking at me when I browse the internet. I left and now I’m home, typing this.

 

About:

Welcome. This is a blog where I write my journey into my life as I rebuild it. A quick bio, I’m a 25 year old male, works a dead end job, no college degree, suffered from depression, body image issues, procrastination, the list goes on and on.

The purpose of this blog is journal the progress of my life as I try to fix every last part of it. It is going to be tough, it is going to painful, change is not going to happen overnight. There will be cursing, there will be ranting, there will be positive post and there will be negative post. The point of all this is to change for the better and be the person who I always envisioned myself .